Genuinely frustrated, the way a fat kid feels when they're woken up early on a Saturday morning only to be told to go for a run. Not. Impressed.
But I knew I was completely stupid and childish in my frustration. I was only frustrated because it seemed like God had not 'felt' as close as He did at the start of all of this. I was frustrated at the frustration itself as it went against everything I believed in, as a Christian. I did not and do not intend to be one of those people chasing emotional encounters with God, hyped up on feelings and emotions singing silly love songs better suited to Friday night dates than for Sunday morning worship.
But nevertheless, I couldn't shake the frustration.
Why was He not closer in my sufferings? Why was He not vividly speaking to me? Showing me signs and visions and sending me burning bushes, calling me to take my 6-inch gladiator heels off for I was walking on holy ground? Why did these lulls in emotional encounters exist?
In any case, I didn't want to waste the day away feeling sorry for myself when the weather was this amazing, so I grabbed my book and went outside to read. Reading itself can be a pretty frustrating experience for me. Well, not the experience of reading, which is always soothing to the soul... or something like that, but more the fact that I am always aware I have so many books I'd like to read... but do so at an incredibly slow pace. It occurred to me one day in one of my law tutorials, that perhaps I was doing not only one, but two degrees completely wrong for me. Law and English? Both FULL of readings, and here I was, reading at about the rate it would take Paris Hilton to memorize her lines.
But I digress.In any case, I grabbed my book, lay outside and read. The sun was incredible. Glorious even. The blazing rays feeding me my vitamin D... Bliss. And what was more incredible? The guy in the book felt just like I did! Well, I guess it wasn't that incredible given that I guess most Christians feel it at some stage in their lives (yes?). But pretty soon I couldn't even pay attention to what I was reading because of the scorching heat and the weird red patterns that had appeared all over my legs as a result. Just a few more minutes in the sun and then I'll go in. A few more minutes. But before I did, those beautiful, fluffy, life-saving clouds swept across the sky in one flowing motion and saved me from my sweltering misery.
But as much as I love New Zealand sunshine, I hate the Auckland wind. And sure enough, safe under the protection of the clouds, I started to feel cold. Where the heck are you going with this, Isabel? you're probably all thinking. Me too actually..... But in that moment, something became so clear to me. It may have been coupled with the excitement I felt reading the book, but right then and there I felt just like the Israelites. And that's where I was in my life. Thinking I was safe in the shadows, under the clouds, but earnestly waiting for the heat of the day again.
We cry out for the experiences of God, and when they happen, like the powerful heat of the sun, we complain that it's too hot. In our fallen humanness, we cannot bear the weight of God's awesome glory all at once. We would die. So He sends the clouds to give our souls rest, but also make us realize and treasure those moments where, at His closest, He slowly reveals Himself to us. Until the next burst of rays just when we need it most.
Except God's glory doesn't leave us with skin cancer.
I'm learning to be thankful, in the sunshine as well as under the clouds.
Oh also! I was excited to come on my blog and found I had 'followers'. I've never had that before. I wonder if that's how Jesus feels every time He gets a new follower..... :D
